I put my Christmas tree up tonight. Yes, on December 29th. I’d ordered an artificial tree this year, took it out of the box, and the pieces have been sitting around my living room for most of December. Possibly all of December.
Still, before I put it into storage for next year I had to test out the lights while I could still return it. I’ve been putting that off. But it’s done now, put back in the box, and just needs packing tape and to be moved to my storage room.
It’s been that kind of Christmas. I’ve just been tired and have not gotten much done. I haven’t been sick like my many friends who have fought COVID, the flu, and some sort of intestinal virus. Just tired. All I can figure is my body was fighting off everyone’s germs and decided it needed downtime. Downtime it got.
I’ve spent a lot of time in a nightgown lounging in bed. That’s a good thing in my book. And speaking of books, I finished a few. None of the 20 I need to judge by the end of March for a literary competition, but still – I read. I watched a lot of bad movies. I got on a string of them on YouTube – they were sort of like Hallmark movies, but actually quite terrible. Truly. Why did I keep watching? You’ve got me! I guess I just knew there would be a happy ending – and it went with my desire of nothing too exciting.
I think I’m at another awkward stage of life. I’m 65 and without children and grandchildren. I have a very loving family, and my sister invited me to have lunch with her family, but that weariness hit. What comes next?
I don’t think it’s depression – I’ve been analyzing myself, as I do, and it’s not feeling like that. It’s more of not knowing what to do, I believe I’m at a new stage of life and I need to figure what the heck comes next. I need inspiration. It’s going to come to me! 😂
Travel is one of my priorities and I know some holidays will be spent exploring the world. Still, there is a comfort in being home, observing some local traditions, and having family around (even if I don’t see much of them).
I have friends who are like family here. I spent Christmas Eve with some and it was full of laughter and good food and love.
I visited my mom today. She’s in a memory care facility with Alzheimer’s. She only said two words to me during the whole visit – “Thank you” – when I kissed her goodbye. It was companionable. I talked to her. I always wonder what’s going on in her mind. Is it nothingness – or is she able to understand what I say, but not respond? You know – like when you know “that word” and can’t get it from your brain to your lips?
I’ve been planning my next big trip – Australia. I suspect this will be the toughest I have planned and the one where I make many mistakes. I almost missed the fact that though I leave North Carolina on 3/11, I don’t arrive into Sydney until 3/13. That’s with an awesome flight schedule and no terribly long layovers.
I’m excited, but a bit apprehensive. What don’t I know? I feel like an air traffic controller planning this trip. I’ve got my plane ticket bought to get there, and one day of hotel booked (not the first day, when I arrive at 7 a.m. – that still needs figuring -this is a day in the Green Mountains on my first stint in Sydney).
I have almost narrowed down a basic itinerary. I’ll need to take several additional flights while in the country (4? 6?), so that needs to be sorted. My goal is to know where I going by next week, and to get flights and hotels booked. Then I can relax. I am not the “see as much as you can see as fast as you can see it” type. I like to wander – and let myself get immersed in the culture and find art and nature and architecture of all kinds.
The older I get the more I know I don’t know much of anything, but I do know the best way to enjoy life is to keep moving and growing and be open to change. Even when it scares you – and part of you wants to be kicking and screaming and holding tightly onto the past. There are so many changes we can’t control, but for most of us, so much we can.
I don’t know what lies ahead, but I’m up for it. Except on those days that I’m not. Those days I’ll stay in the nightgown.
I’m still chasing joy – and in the end, I’m good at finding it.
In the Box, Out of the Box 