My New Year’s Resolution

I kinda need a new year right now, I think. Time to reboot. Time to recharge. Time to reflect on my life and think about what’s right for me and what’s wrong. You may understand. I have the feeling I have been on a very long roller coaster ride and finally they stop it, and force me off before I am quite ready, and I wander away, a bit off balance. OK, but not OK. Trying to process what I just did, and what I really think about it. Was it more scary than fun, or more fun than scary? Did the twists and turns thrill me or knock my body out of alignment? Am I really a roller coaster person, or more of the Ferris wheel or Merry-go-round type? And I do this while in a crowd of people whose only thought was “Whee! What a  ride!”

Rebel that I am I usually resent any forced reflection or goal setting….the call to make resolutions. I admit to feeling that way now. I am supposed to know my game plan for 2015 already, and I just don’t. Some have asked what my resolutions are for the new year and I feel pressured by well-meaning friends who want to help hold me accountable. The idea of that paralyzes me at the moment. I’m not ready yet. For either the resolutions or the renewed accountability.
So I’ll just say this. I am going to be kinder to myself. I’m going to make changes as I become ready to make changes. Some may be visible to you, most….the important ones, probably will not. But being kind to me….I want that to be my focus.
We’re our biggest critics. Not only do we let our own voice berate us, but we let the voices of others. Real and imagined. Valid or not.
While others seem very motivated by big goals, they aren’t usually helpful to me. They overwhelm. When others feel moved to action by criticism, even valid and kind criticism, it often weighs me down and keeps me from moving and growing. I’m a bit more self-reflective than most, and I don’t see the world in quite the same way as others. I am over-analytical of things to which others don’t give a thought. Knowing this about myself, I need to give myself a break. Relax more. Not be moved by the urgent, but instead shape my life to reflect the important. Make sure the voices I pay attention to are not the loudest or ones who declare they have all the answers, but to the ones that reflect my personal mission and my personal beliefs.
But the kindness thing….that needs to be my overwhelming goal. I think that may be the one that gets me where I need to go. I am not talking about a wimpy kindness that doesn’t challenge or force growth. I need the opposite. I need to move ahead, knowing that I have a purpose for living, and then make sure my life is built to support my purpose. What and who in my life is helpful to that purpose, and what drags me down? That doesn’t mean that I necessarily drop the difficult people, because sometimes learning to deal with them is important. Sometimes loving them well is my purpose. But I may need to prune other relationships that require effort and energy and don’t seem to add much to my life (or me to theirs.) And I don’t want to neglect the people of my heart….who deserve my best, and not just scraps. They are the life-givers, the one that are used by God to refresh and renew my soul. They need time and undivided attention. Not just for them, but for me.
I’m coming out of a 2014 that was wonderful in many ways, but that also leaves me feeling drained and  battered. Kindness will clean and bandage the wounds and lead to healing. And maybe some scar tissue that is formed will be a bit tougher than the rest of my skin…making me both tougher and still part tender. For me change will not come at full impact as I drew a line in the sand at midnight last night. That’s too harsh for me right now. Resolutions? All I’ve got right now is to resolve be kind. To myself and to others. If I focus on that change, I suspect it will be a happy new year indeed. Welcome 2015. I’m glad you’re here…..and I am too. I’m ready for day one.

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