I love the unknown.
Some of you who know me well are raising your eyebrows. I know. I am the one who reads the last page of a book when I haven’t finished the first third of it. I read spoilers and they don’t spoil things for me at all. In fact, there are some things I just prefer knowing beforehand. If a magician would tell me their secrets, I would still be stunned and amazed when I saw their act. In fact, I would probably love it more. When I know something creepy is going to happen in a horror movie, I still scream loudly and jump a mile, as though it were completely unexpected.
The unknown, truthfully, often disturbs me. It makes me uncomfortable. I can’t plan for it. I can’t validate my assumptions or control my emotions or feed the logical side of my brain.It makes me feel unsettled.
The unknown reminds me of Christmas Eve when I was a kid. The anticipation would almost kill me. I would be so very excited, but the anxiety would set in and it would almost be unbearable. It would make me queasy. Early Christmas morning I would think I couldn’t wait another minute until we could enter that room where Santa had come. (No, you couldn’t just bust into the room. Mom had to go in first, turn on the Christmas lights, and make sure Santa had come and gone. She always seemed to do it very, very slowly. She obviously has a cruel side.) The comfort when all was revealed!
As a Calvinist I am quite comfortable with the concept of pre-destination. Though maybe just a bit uncomfortable, too. I kinda like the idea that God has things planned out. It makes sense to me that there is an architect of the world. I know God’s best trumps my good, and I am more than OK with that. Usually. But really….I want to be told how it all turns out. Or do I?
There is joy in the unexpected. There is a special thrill when you ride a new roller coaster and can’t quite anticipate the twists and turns and peaks and valleys. If we had know the outcome of certain times of our lives, we would have coasted through, or avoided things, or not felt so strongly. Sometimes we just need to freefall and see what happens. We may not land quite where we had anticipated, but it just may be better. Trusting that you are in for God’s best brings both anticipation, but also contentment in the knowledge that your story will turn out the way it should. Whether it is what you think you want or not.
So, I guess I do love the unknown. Even when I hate it.