I Am Not Human


The determination has been made that I am not human. Furthermore, since I am not a human, I must be a computer.


This is not a conclusion I have come to to easily or without argument. It has taken a few years for me to accept it. But I cannot seem to pass the human test; therefore I am a computer. Thus says the CAPTCHA.


CAPTCHA stands for “Completely Automated Public Turing Test to Tell Computers and Humans Apart.” You know them…..they are a big part of internet “security” these days. Used to be bigger, but some folks have gotten smart. They were designed to keep the bots from taking over the internet. Or at least that is what the official line is. The truth is, they were designed to drive me insane. I just know it. 

I have scanned the names of the inventors listed in Wikipedia to see if I recognize one of the names as someone from my past. I don’t recognize any of them. But still….maybe that’s it. I should have noticed them lurking. I must have offended someone.

You may understand. There may be more than just me out there. When I see one of those tests of jumbled letters and numbers, I never seem to be able to decipher them correctly. I try and try. I focus intently. Wikipedia said the average person gets them in 10 seconds. I am certainly above average. I have never gotten one in 10 seconds in my entire life. I wish I were exaggerating. No….I would guess my record is probably 10 minutes. And that would be on a day when I am high fiving myself due to my brilliance.

The newest are the pictures where you have to identify things like signs and cars in pictures. Granted I do better on these, but still have difficulty. Is that a line or a signpost? Is that the headlight of a car or another shiny object? Yes, I am perhaps a tad over-analytical. Or maybe not analytical enough. I can’t decide….because you never see why you failed, so you can’t learn how they view them. 

I have a mild form of dyslexia. The biggest issue from this that has manifested itself in my life (other than not knowing what shoe went on what foot way after it was socially acceptable) is that I can’t reverse mirror images. My siblings can enjoy themselves for hours imitating me trying to use a curling iron. And you thought I have short straight hair because it looks best on me? Who would know? A “style” is not an option.

So I suspect that dyslexia may play a part in this. But also….it’s just messy. I am a person of detail. I am over-analytical. Maybe I make it more difficult than I should. But truly….I have  tried first instincts and agonized over every character. Every time, I get the sign of “you are a loser”. The next “puzzle” pops up. Arghhh!

Sometimes there is an audio option, The first time I saw that I got excited. Then I realized that it was like Charlie Brown’s teacher, or at other times Chatty Cathy on speed, doing a spelling test. I don’t think I have ever made it through one of them correctly. I don’t even try these days.

So on the CAPTCHA scale, I am not a human. I am a computer. Which is funny since the concept of the technology is that my fellow computers, instead of humans, make that determination. I think they like me. They really like me.

While in the past it has made me feel like the “bad egg” in “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” (If you don’t know the reference, or want to review it, I will place a link from the movie at the end of the blog), I have decided that I will instead be proud that computers see me as their own based on this great programming by the CAPTCHA people. I suspect a computer could get through their test easier than me, so the CAPTCHA folks are not quite as smart as they think they are. Nor are the websites that seek feedback, or purchases, from folks like me, but require I first pass this test. After a while I give up, still pretty sure I am human but unwilling to spend any more time in my life proving it.

“A Bad Egg” scene – https://youtu.be/kpgRdVBf5Qk

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