This is one of those years that seems to bring one tough situation after another to deal with. I joked about the “tragedy of the week” for a while, until it seemed all the more true and I realized that inexplicably tragedies really were happening at least weekly. Not just “X person was mean to me.” Real stuff. Important stuff. Things that are imploding the world as I knew it. I’m tired of sadness. I’m tired of fear. I’m tired of all of the many things that I don’t understand.
I still trust God and honestly I think the open and honest communication we have built over the years has been my best gift. I’m glad I wasn’t taught that I could only go to God when I had on my Sunday best and was at my most appealing and presentable. I don’t have a pretty faith. I have one that runs the gamut from fierce anger to the ugly cry to staggering humility to unspeakable joy. In other words, instead of pretty it’s a real relationship. Instead of pretty it is a thing of beauty.
I’ve holed up a bit more than normal lately. That’s what introverts do when they try to figure things out. It hasn’t worked, except to remind me some things I will never understand. When I am around people, I find I am more impatient with them. People who are thoughtless. People who are unkind to anyone….strangers or those they are supposed to love. People who shut people out. People who think they know all. People who are full of self pity for dumb reasons. I feel like saying “Really? You’re whining with all that you have? You’re wasting life for that?” OK….maybe I have said it. But truthfully, I could have said it so much more.
I’m was trying to decide if I have been hasty to judgment with others. I know I have. I imagine there are times my behavior towards others reflects these very things I disdain. Probably why they bug me so much. Probably why I get frustrated with myself so much and am not sure why.
In the midst of the sadness and frustration and confusion of this year, I have not been blind to the joys. I am grateful for each and every one. They have not quite balanced the sorrow for me this year, but they have reminded me of how charmed my life has so often been. There have been far more joys than sorrows. And I do notice…..and appreciate.
There are more challenges ahead….this I already know. But I’m trying to avoid pity parties. They accomplish nothing. One thing I know for sure. You don’t get presents at a pity party. Or you shouldn’t. You’d only find they were in the wrong size, or the wrong color, or weren’t what you wanted in the first place. But when you appreciate life, all of life, you find that one gift after another awaits. And they are perfect. Even in the midst of the worst of times. That’s life. Things will at times be grave, but gravity will also be defied.