So I was in the shower this morning, where the musings of life happen. A friend came to mind. This friend blasted me in front of others about a silly thing last year.
At least I believe it was silly. They’ve never explained why it is not and why it caused such a reaction in them. I have thought about it at length and don’t feel I should be the one to bring up a discussion. We didn’t have an argument. I was too stunned.
I have forgiven the person, but sometimes forgiveness is tricky. You have to keep doing it over and over again.
Some of you may think it strange that I still consider them a friend. Yeah, I have considered that perhaps they are not. Friends should respect you, shouldn’t they? I still feel disrespected.
But relationships are complicated and they don’t last if there isn’t some good there. I like having them in my life. I think we are good for each other. I miss them now. Part of the hurt that remains is the thought that they don’t miss me back, followed by the question “Why don’t they see me?”
I have looked at this from their perspective and I do think I understand. They’ve never been where I am. They can’t comprehend my point of view. It bugs me they don’t seem to try.
So in the shower this morning God and I spent a bit of time talking about forgiveness. Not just me forgiving this friend, and truly putting it all in the past, but also that I need to come to terms with my hurt and move along.
That doesn’t mean I have to act as though all is well. Ir’s still not. I can’t change this other person, though. That’s their stuff. I can change myself. Possibly this person is not the friend I thought they were. That seems to be the case.
But that prayer. Do you sometimes expect God to always take forever to answer? I have a short attention span and that underlying belief sometimes means I forget prayers are being answered. And God knows my ridiculous attention span.
I get to church and guess what the first scripture is? Ephesians 4:26-27
26 Don’t get so angry that you sin. Don’t go to bed angry 27 and don’t give the devil a chance.
Oh, I forgot to say I got angry as I thought about it, didn’t I? Yeah, that’s what made me pray.
Anger is a fake emotion. It masks something like hurt or disappointment. I’m not an angry person very often. It’s not a major area of struggle. I try to examine and figure out what the real emotion is, and move on. I believe letting it fester leads to you acting out in other ways.
Some think that means you have to resolve it with the other person as soon as possible. I believe resolving issues with others is a good thing to do, but I believe that in some cases you just have to do your own work, acknowledge the underlying issue, and move on.
Our actual sermon today was on Psalm 109 and called “A Psalm of Hurt, Hate, Trust and Release”. You can watch it here. My pastor Steve Shoemaker records all sermons to YouTube for those who can’t attend in person.
If you haven’t read that Psalm lately, now is a good time. Go to the version I linked. Yeah, David and I had a lot in common. We tether between loving and trusting God and feeling very sorry for ourselves.
So yeah God, I wanted to wallow a bit more but you decided to force me to deal with it immediately. But thanks for reminding me prayer does not fall on deaf ears. Acknowledging my hurt allows me to move on. For now. We both know I have a tendency to lose perspective so it may come up again. As David whined and swallowed in that Psalm, I may join him again. You made me human. But willing to work at letting you teach me.