Well, yesterday was probably the most difficult day that I have had since I have been unemployed. I was just tired of it all. Sick of the uncertainty. Questioning what I’m doing wrong and whether I am giving off wrong impressions or not representing myself well. Trying to figure out if people see me as under-qualified or over-qualified for the jobs for which I am applying, or whether I’m too expensive or not expensive enough. And I was wondering if I really am old, since many people keep reminding me that is the reason I am not finding a job.
I’m sure the weather didn’t help…..pouring rain all day long. And I had been attacked by some sort of bug (I suspect the one flying around my house the other night that I could hear, but not catch) and these itchy ugly red patches are all over my body.
It was Halloween, but no holiday for me. I wasn’t in the mood and had no desire to be around people. And I forgot to buy candy, so there was that.
So yesterday I sulked a bit and cried a bit and just let myself have a pity party. (I should have bought the Halloween candy.) I gave myself permission to wallow a bit.
It was time. Time for a day of self pity. While I have had moments, I have really been enjoying this time of unemployment. That’s part of it, too. There is a part of me that feels guilty for enjoying myself, even though I truly believe you choose your attitude about things and being depressed and anxious helps nothing.
As my unemployment benefits soon come to an end, my bank account is going to take a direct hit. How long can it last? Oh, there are many ways I can take deal with it, but am I moving too slowly in this area?
I leave for Wales next Friday. The trip has been planned for more than a year. I still had a job then and saw that the band Squeeze was going to be playing in Cardiff (about 30 minutes from my Mom’s hometown of Newport). I have loved them since college, when my friend Adrienne introduced me to them. I did see them in Durham (NC, not UK) since they re-united, but wouldn’t it be cool to see them in the UK? So I impulsively bought tickets when it came across my Facebook feed late one night….the good ones, because you don’t go all that way for bad….pretty sure my cousin Kerry would be game to go with me. And at no point in this have I thought about not going. I have a travel fund, so had the money for my plane ticket and am staying with Kerry so I avoid a lot of the cost many would have. Plus I need a vacation!
While I have told prospective employers I will be doing this and they have said it won’t impact my chances for the positions I applied for, what if that’s just another thing they say to placate? Some also told me commuting from Statesville was fine, but then later said that was the reason they didn’t hire me.
So I stole Alexander’s “Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” for a bit and now it’s back to living each day as a good gift, regardless of the circumstances. Being unemployed is not the worst thing to happen to a human….especially one who only is in debt for her house and has no one depending on her for support. This is my year of sabbatical, that God evidently decided I needed. And it has been good…and will continue to be good. Even my vacation, planned so far in advance, is coming when my unemployment period is running out. Not good for money’s sake, but I won’t have to necessarily look for jobs when I am traveling.
Things didn’t start out better today. I got a rejection letter for another job, without having a chance to interview in person. Logically I know they were looking all over the country for candidates, and it was a prime position because you could work from home and live anywhere, but I thought I would be good at that job. My pity party day was over, so it was a bit easier to take today.
I’ve been writing every day this past month (https://medium.com/@kimmckinney719) and got the news that one of my articles had been accepted in one of their larger publications (https://link.medium.com/8vOEBkaXg1) and also been curated which means Medium will promote it to people who have “Relationships” as one of their topics of interest. I won’t get rich because of this (though I did make over $8 last month….well, gross before my $5 membership fee and taxes are taken out 😂), and based on what others say it may give the story more traffic or it may not, but the excitement comes because I am writing consistently and getting some validation that some of it could possibly be good. Another perk…. I get to virtually hang out around some amazing writers who not only let me read their stuff but give me tips and pats on the back for mine. It’s like going to school for free with really cool teachers and test grades don’t matter.
I did another phone interview this afternoon (how many has it been?) and put in a few more job applications and got back in the game.
All of us are allowed a pity party at times. I think of David in the Psalms and how pained and over-dramatic he got. But then he remembered the God he served…and how things always have a way of working out…and the tune changed. I’m like David, though a bit less dramatic and (I think) possibly better life choices,
So I’m off for vacation next Friday. After that, who knows what will happen? Stay tuned.
“Providence has its appointed hour for everything. We cannot command results, we can only strive.” – Mahatma Gandhi