Today I cried.
It’s been a year and ten days since I last worked and today feels like the toughest hit. Most days it’s been relatively easy. I have felt mentally prepared through this whole process and very aware that God is in control. I still know that, though I’m feeling quite exasperated at the moment.
I thought I had found it. A job that would give me work I enjoyed and could do well, the kind of corporate culture that is important to me, pay and benefits that were good, management I liked, and I would work at home so wouldn’t have to uproot my life.
The penny in the picture was outside my car when I came out of the in-person interview with them. A found penny is supposed to be good luck. No, I’m not superstitious about such things, but it had made me smile. I felt like this job was right.
I had been waiting for what I hoped would be an offer. I talked to the recruiter this morning and got the bad news. It was the same old “they really liked you, but don’t think you’d like the job.”
This confused me, as the job presented to me sounded great.
As we talked, it got more confusing. It seems like the job we talked about these past two months, that I thought I was interviewing for, is no longer what they are filling. I have no idea when this changed, but it was never mentioned in my in-person or phone interviews I had with them in the past two weeks. All of the questions directed to me were about this specific job description, We discussed it at length.
Another job, one that I would not enjoy and probably would not be one where they would be able to hit my lowest salary point, is what they say they are looking for now.
They’d specifically the reason they were hiring was they needed my skill level in their mix and thus the need to hire for this new job. At what point did that change? The recruiter didn’t know.
Once again, I invested my time and resources and hope. But no job has come of it.
There is nothing that I can put my finger on that I can change. and no one has given any negative feedback that I can consider and decide what can be done better. This process makes you question yourself and your ability to read people and interpret what they tell you. It also makes you wonder if the person you look at in the mirror is what everyone else sees….and what is lacking.
I’m tired, And my attitude is getting bad. And today I am angry – which we all know is simply hurt in disguise.
The idealist in me is frustrated that the whole hiring process is so broken. Having the additional stigma of being out of work for a full year doesn’t help.
I’ll be fine. I was reading the Sermon on the Mount this weekend and reminded of the folly of worrying about things such as where I’ll be living, and what we’ll be wearing, and what we’ll be eating. I’m not a huge worrier and that’s not really my emotion now, but I know I certainly have to guard against it. I have no doubt that the basics will be provided and life will continue to be an adventure. But then there’s that unknown. I hate living with it.
I’m just tired of this process. And discouraged. And wondering what else I can do that I haven’t already done.
I keep,hoping to write the last chapter of this saga, But this is real life and I am not the only one going through this. I’m heathy, am still not in debt, and am able to relocate. I haven’t had to touch my retirement account yet, and I will work hard so I don’t. I constantly remind myself I have more options than most and for this I remain grateful.
But it’s hard sometimes anyway.
I’ll allow myself a little recovery time and work at it harder. Tomorrow is another day of unemployment, but also another day of life. All in all, I’ll take it.